Saturday, August 13, 2011
Last night-I was out with a new guy. A very sweet, talented man. We went to my local beer garden and I had ginger ale. I still am not comfortable drinking, much. Although I do socially, to make myself feel a little more normal, a little less like the alien I sometimes feel like. I am still afraid sometimes-that my life is over. But that feeling passes much more quickly, and I am able to move on. I feel like I wear my past on my face, and it shocks me to see a smooth skinned woman in the mirror. I look in that mirror objectively, and-I look... Almost calm, almost serene. I no longer look like a war victim. My life is calm now, slightly on the boring side. I regret sometimes the time lost. Until I realize-it wasn't lost. I lived. Maybe not the way I wanted, maybe not the way I expected-but I lived. I acted, I wrote, I was in this world. I feel joy now. Because I see a future spreading before me. These are the things I talk about now.And the people who are around me now? Must understand where I've been, in order to see the woman I am. And as this man kissed me? I realized? My future is now. And I must seize it.