Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I disappeared....

well....the holidays are on me.... and I am looking around me in a haze of exhaustion. I am really proud of myself for "persevering"BUT...in all honesty? Time to make a change. I am not happy. I am the fearless girl. And I look around-and the stress of a job I don't feel happy at that was meant to help me recover? No dice. I have one life to live...and my sister is settling down and it makes me wonder if my life will-and my father doesn't realize that his life is not my life-and I wouldn't want his anyway. I want mine back. I want to get married-but... I want to be as whole as possible first. And I deserve that as much as the man who wins me. Now-I am off to formulate .....

Friday, September 3, 2010

The beautiful twins in the neighborhood.....

In my neighborhood,there is a set of twins. Little girls who are utterly precious and are always at Beechwood. I love them. They are about eighteen months old. The other day I was watching them, and waiting for Meg to meet me. Meg is my twin sister, and , yes, we're roommates. Or "wombmates", as we jokingly call each other. On the one the one hand, both of us find it slightly ridiculous and a little embarrassing to be living with each other at our age, and on the other....we just have this bond. I look at these twins. And I remembered that my mom had had to order a special carriage from London that was built so we could face each other, because we always had to either face each other or touch each other or we would be inconsolable. I love my twin.

I miss my mom......

Over the past few weeks, there has been a family crisis with my younger sister in Birmingham. My dad is there, and I know how overwhelmed he is. This particular crisis has been a long time coming, but....I wish with all my heart that I could be there. But you know what I really want? My mom. My mom died right before I got hurt, and it has been a recurring theme in my life since then- I don't think I realized how much I could miss her. I think of the time , the last time she came over actually, when I had the flu, and she cleaned and made me jello. I looked at her and realized how happy it made her. And it made me happy. Because we both knew on some level that we wouldn't have a lot of moments like that. And ,well. I miss my mom.

Friday, July 16, 2010

When I was 4, my favorite food was hot & sour soup......

I am sitting in Beechwood, my favorite cafe, where I eat every day. I have for years. The waiters and baristas and managers have become my friends. It's one of the reasons I love Jersey City. It's home.Restaurants have always felt like home to me. Eating in them, working in them-although truth be told... I am a really bad waitress.Just a really good caterer. I was always in the weeds and got by with charm. Anyone who thinks waitering is easy should be required to work a saturday shift with major call-outs, and a rainstorm. It's also the best way in the world to buld cameraderie and learn about people. When I was hit by a car, right after my mom died, I was so attached to the people I worked with, my doctor thought I should keep the job for "social reasons." I could not disagree. Glorious Food was my second family. It was a place where I learned to earn a paycheck, be nice to demanding bosses, appreciate food, and just be a grown up. I was home.
When I was growing up, my mom hated cooking every day.We lived really far from a grocery store and my dad worked insanely long hours.At 4, I remember telling her I didn't like the boeuf bourgignon she had obviously slaved over. She was so mad. Well. I remember a lot of restaurants-especially Foster's, near my Dad's office after that. In retrospect, it is a place we just spent a lot of time talking-and my parents always talked about topics-politics,sports,art.....law.
Meg and I obviously had no problems joining in. Mom saw no reason for kid food. Just no reason. And after Foster's, there was this absolutely beautiful Chinese restaurant called Victoria Peak. It was Colonial Chinese-swags of red velvet, big carved chairs that looked like thrones. I remember mom whispering to me that "Bette Davis" son was sitting next to me once. Which of course neant so much to me at-4. And every Chinese meal started with soup. I loved it. Soup. And I wanted Hot & Sour. Not wonton-with it's doughy dumplings and scallions and chicken broth. I wanted the other. The first time I ordered-my mother and father tried to talk me out of it. I wouldn't budge. I had tasted my father's-which he ordered with extra vinegar. And which I demanded. It was different. And looking around, I had a feeling that I can identify now. I felt grown up. I felt like there was stuff I didn't know yet, but wanted to. And food still does that for me. I feel warm, and safe, and accepted, and adventurous all at once. It is where family is-even if family is far away. Or it can be adventure. Or the future. Or for me. Memory.
So -today, Sam , the manager of Beechwood, asked me where I tried Korean food. It was in Koreatown in NYC. Near my parents' apartment when my mom was really sick and my dad wanted a breather. We walked in and looked at a menu that we couldn't read. We talked to a waitress that was very busy and looked really puzzled at a bunch of little kimchis and radishes. we tried to not talk about mom and we tried to have fun and we tried to forget that she wasn't there.
And that's a lot for today.......

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Anyone else ever lose their blog?

Hi. I'm back. And everything is going as well as can be expected-except for a couple of hiccups. I lost my blog. Well-Not really-But, I could not figure out how to log in because enough time has passed that, well , I forgot. At least I can laugh now. I consider that progress. I turned 36. And I have been focused on rest and recuperation-for the first time since I got hurt 5 years ago. I decided that,dammit, -I am going to get well. And I really feel a difference. And-drumroll , please, I am consciously allowing myself to look silly by asking questions. Why?Why?Why? Because I need the brain to work. And I have come to realize people are going to understand or not. And I am going to have to deal. And for someone as driven as myself-this is haaaaaaaard. I resent not being able to run the 12 miles I did in field hockey. I resent not being able to keep up the dancing I need to for a show that I could do. I resent not being able to WAITRESS. I LOVED waitressing. I hate being forced to give up any aspect of my life because I am not able to. It's demoralizing.And correcting myself-well-it's EMBARRASSING. Do I really want other people seeing my mistakes? No. But I need to do it in order to correct. Sigh. Still onward.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Fearless is a state of mind

In order to be an actor, you need to be fearless. Emotionally fearless. You need to be so open to people and available to other people's lives and emotions and experiences that you can feel almost psychic. It is a humbling experience. I walk around feeling like a raw nerve myself, and yet I know I need the resilience to pick myself up and try again. And I have to say-this week is a good, good week. I had lunch with my friend Mia-and we were talking about our respective careers. And she was generous enough to say "what do you need?" I have learned that the people who are our angels are not necessarily the ones we expect to be our angels, they are not necessarily the people we expect to care. And on the flip side, some of the people we wish and hope with all our heart just are not the ones that are all they should be. I am an actor with a head injury, and I know I can lead a really good life-and I feel blessed. I remember my friends at Kessler and for some reason they drive me. Because I have their chance. The chance they don't get to have a beautiful life. I am not going to squander my beautiful, creative rich life I was forced to put on hold. So there. I left Nico, but I am talking to another coach. We'll see.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Starting Over

Well- I left my acting company of five years last week. And I feel like a new kitten. I have a whole new life waiting....right???Right???? It is the scariest thing I have ever done, to feel like I am starting over-at almost 36. After working with the same people for five years. I know I need to- to move on emotionally and creatively. And financially. The reality is-I couldn't afford to stay with my company. I am recovering from a series of unfortunate events, which is what I call being hit by a car and being whacked on the head at a waitressing job. I recovered.....enough. Enough to get back to the life I love. The world of art. The world of creativity. The world I was terrified I was never going to have again. The world I remember sitting in a doctor's office and being told that she "just didn't see how I would ever have the short-term memory" to be a professional actress. But that it didn't matter. Because I didn't have the cognition to be a waitresss either. And how could anyone in Workman's Comp understand Development deals when my own father aka lawyer didn't? And -it's hard to believe.....but at 36- I am feeling a peace and contentment with my life that I did not have at 25, which is supposed to be the height of a woman's youth and beauty and an actress's apex. It is my truth that while I may not be as young as I was- I know what I have to offer now....and I have scheduled my new headshots. Cause People. I'm going in!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Well-as a curtain falls....

Hi Guys!

It's been a rough week. I decided to leave the acting company I have worked with for five years and....well. I will tell you all about it later. But. As a curtain falls, another opens. I hope.
Because I have the same fear every actor has-that I will never work again. That no one will ever want me. And I have invested so much time and energy into into my director and acting company. It feels like the breakup of a marriage-which, to me, it kind've was. A creative marriage. But - I learned a lot from Nico-and I thank him. But onward.