Tuesday, February 5, 2013


I try not to feel bad. I work hard at optimism.I am a grateful girl, don't ever mistake that. I do, however, at this moment, hate everyone who tells me how much harder it is for them. Or about the starving children in Africa. Or the people who are less intelligent or less blessed or whatever someone has going on in their head about me and my life. I am a very private girl.I value my solitude.I appreciate those who come tiptoeing gently into my life, and even some of the ones who bulldoze their way in. But tonight I am sad. It's late, and I can't sleep.I stopped the migraine, but know tomorrow is going to be long, no matter how much I love school. It is true that you find out who your real friends are during a crisis. And-yes-I feel guilty for being a bad friend myself .For how can I be a good one if every day seems like a disaster? I think of my life-the one I built brick by brick, the acting craft I was so obsessed with. I miss that obsession. I miss feeling the adrenaline of excitement over getting into the head of someone else, finding the window into the world that each character gave me. I still slip into people's heads rather easily, and it's a favorite game. But I miss....before. I miss when my mother was around to talk to, and my main regret is that I didn't appreciate it. I miss my father, although he has moved on. Now-my twin is gone. Megan. I will probably never live with her again. Why didn't we appreciate it? It's amazing what the upside down life makes you realize. I was crying today for the first time out of homesickness. My home was my haven, the place I felt safe. I had a whole life there for twelve years. Grief-just rears up sometimes. Grieving for my health, my mother, my acting....it seems unfair. And in this world-people think you're  not taking responsibility if you don't make the choice that they think you should have. I stand by mine.I did what I had to do-and mainly-it works.I am content, if not deliriously happy-but it feels like my youth slipped away and I had no chance to enjoy it. Actually-the fact is-I did. But I have definately never taken the easy route. And now-perhaps, just for a moment-I wish I had. True-I have had so many adventures-but this is one of the nights where I think of my legacy and my place in the world. And-more simply. I want to go home. And I want to know I am on the right path.Because this is so hard.

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